Never bring outdoor plants into the house. Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.



The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.


That's when the technician broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.


The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the elect ricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.


That's when he shot her…

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The owner of a golf course in Virginia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from the University of Queensland, and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

"Everything but my earrings."

OUCH !!! as described

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, playwith the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.  ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the
strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling,
but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all  wayward body hair and maker of smooth
skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!!


Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP!  Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe............
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain,
with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There is no hair on it!
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..

The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?
I know I need to do something.. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut!   My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself
'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the  wax should  melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or
sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.    

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,  is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...inscalding hot water, which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter  'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the  rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box..
YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck
to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is  not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....thelotion they give
you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......


Have a nice day
Skip

  Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new  hinge, so he  sent his wife Mary to  Bunnings.
 
At  Bunnings, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom tap  set while she was waiting  for the salesman to finish waiting on a  customer.
 
When he  was finished with the customer, Mary asked 'How much  for that tap set?'
   
   He replied,  'That's pewter and it costs  $300.'
 
'My  goodness that's a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.  She  then proceeded to describe the  hinge Charlie had sent her to buy, and the  salesman went to the storeroom room to find  it.
   
   From  the storeroom he yelled, 'Mary, you want a screw  for that hinge?'
   
   Mary  replied, 'No, but I will for the tap  set.'
   
   .............. And that's why  you can't send a woman to  Bunnings!

Veryt Helpful Indeed

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'


Most Old timers are helpful like that!
Deja Vu?

Skip