Australia’s Very Own Camp Oven And Outdoor Cooking And Camping Forum - Joke Of The Day

Reply #750 - Jan 20^th, 2009 at 9:39am

Little_Kopit Offline
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Q: What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?

A: Green-grocers

Tongue

My Photo Album, featuring Labrador 2006

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Reply #751 - Jan 20^th, 2009 at 12:25pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a
laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Grrr!!! Cheesy

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #752 - Jan 20^th, 2009 at 4:46pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face................PRICELESS

Grrr!!! and my son is a copper...whoops..... sorry T..

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #753 - Jan 21^st, 2009 at 3:59am

Carolyn™ Offline
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Viagra' 

is now available in

powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual

performance but it does stop your

biscuit going soft

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Reply #754 - Jan 21^st, 2009 at 5:30am

Carolyn™ Offline
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an
ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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Reply #755 - Jan 22^nd, 2009 at 3:02am

Duncan MacDuff Offline
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image0055.jpg (31 KB | )

In Service,
Duncan

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Reply #756 - Jan 23^rd, 2009 at 9:24pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Our language - aint it great!!!!

A Chinese man moves to Australia after 50 years of Living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A Few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese Customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are peeing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about crap on you.

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs'.

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent tell me'. ' He say, to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bullshit '.

How true this is...

Grrr!!! Grin

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #757 - Jan 23^rd, 2009 at 9:24pm

LogFire Offline
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Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early
Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS
(Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much #### (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of #### it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ####, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the #### you can get.

LogFire

I have gone off to find myself. If I get back before I return,keep me here.

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Reply #758 - Jan 23^rd, 2009 at 9:26pm

Crazy Dog Offline
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Two Brisbane City council road workers about to finish a shift and one turns violently around and stands on a snail squishing it completely saying "take that ya lil bastard".....

"what 'ya do that for mate?" said the other council worker?

"lil bastard has been following me around all day...."

Grrr!!! Grin

I love small, furry, defenseless little animals - especially in gravy!!!

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Reply #759 - Jan 23^rd, 2009 at 9:47pm

The Tree Guy Offline
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Kevin the Rooster.

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result? The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and doing them when they weren't paying attention.

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