Doctors Never Laugh

..the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a
AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of  first graders using a bowl of   lifesavers.               

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:


Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................ Orange




Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're arse-holes!'

Two crabs, sweltering in the heat, hear the chiming song of a Mr Whippy approaching.

Mrs Crab says to her mancrab, with a sideways look, "Sweetshell? Will you get me an icecream?"

He hasn't been called anything remotely close to that for some months (crab-time) and scurries off to buy 2 Mr Whippy icecreams!  He's so excited ... there could be some soft shelling going on later if he gets this right!!!

Across the hot sand, grains like boulders ... never flagging ... he buys 2 Vanilla Blissbombs ... and starts back to the Claw of His Life.

Half way there, his iceCream is melting ... making the sand something reminiscent of quick/slow sand ... he gobbles up his icecream and, dropping the cone to distract prying eyes, he hurries on.

But no!  The other icecream is melting to almost nothing!  He sucks it in, eats the less thaN soft serve that remains ... and nearly done in, he crawls back to HerShellf.

She spreads her nippers wide ... says ... "Did you get the icecreams?"

"Yes!" he proclaims ... but they were melting & I had to eat them"



She replied "YOU SHELLFISH BASTARD!!!"

 


Declan the Crab.

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke.............





"****, I'm pissed."

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike makes a point of visiting him every day.

"Joe," Mike says one day, "we have both loved rugby all our lives.

We’ve played club and provincial rugby and, although neither of us made the All Blacks, we have had a wonderful time right up to the Golden Oldies grade which we enjoyed the last few years, haven’t we? Please, if nothing else, do me one favour. When you get to Heaven, somehow you must get in touch and let me know if the great game is played there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed.

"Mike, you've been my best friend for many, many years. If it's at all possible, I will certainly do this small favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passed away.

A week or so later, around midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

"Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" asks Mike, sitting up suddenly.

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You can’t be Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"My God, Joe, it is you. I recognise your voice. Where are you?"

"In Heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really, really good news but also a little bit of bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that, yes, there is rugby football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends and team mates who died before us are here, too. And, even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, believe it or not, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play all the footy we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?"

"You're playing Tuesday."