How to be cruel to old men ...

The Man Rules???????????????????

Finally, the guys' side of the story.   (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1’ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during  commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Cricket, Rugby , or Football, or golf, or Sex .

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.



1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
     

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.   Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

                                                                                   Girl  at the Beach

Is that Right
    
                                                                  

A couple  lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.   
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.   
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except  for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. 
 
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.
But occasionally someone would nod and there would be  a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. 
 
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. 
 
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic  devices?'
He hadn't, and said so. 
 
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.  Then we can find out what she's really doing.' 
 
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband  and then leave..   
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 
 
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.   
'No, she's  not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 
 
'Well what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked. 
 
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 
 
'Batteries?' cried the wife.. 
 
'Yes!' he replied
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OOOOH!  You're gonna dislike me for this -   
 
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'She Sells C Cells  by the Seashore!'


All the best
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Celibacy

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

"Self -raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.