Little_Kopit wrote on Mar 13^th, 2009 at 6:55am:


No, but you did repeat it. 

Best,
Duncan

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we werein bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

*******************************************


Grrr!!!

Embarrassing medical exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.   

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI   


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass.  "Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

These are genuine clips from British Council tenants complaining to the
Council about problems with their flats.

1.         My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage
has fungus growing in it.

2.         He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it anymore..

3.         It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4.         I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6 a.m., his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much
for
me.

5.         I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.

6.         And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

7.         Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

8.         My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9.         I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

10.   Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11.   I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12.   50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.

13.   I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14.   The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared.

15.   Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour
& not fit to drink.

16.   I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt
my knob off.

17.   The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is
unsightly and dangerous.

18.   Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19.   I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20.   I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.