AUSTRALIA'S ORIGINAL AND BEST CAMP OVEN AND OUTDOOR COOKING CAMPING AND LIFESTYLE FORUM - Joke Of The Day

Reply #960 - Apr 26^th, 2009 at 7:14am

Rastas000 Offline
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The following post is intended as a "JOKE", however, it seems to work for me, so as a community service, I shall post it, just in case...

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'

For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #961 - Apr 26^th, 2009 at 7:31am

poddy dodger Offline
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You're right Rastas, this is more of a "Take heed" than a joke....... I know, Ive been married several decades.

pd

When I die I hope my missus doesn't sell my camp ovens for what I told her I paid for them. pd

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Reply #962 - Apr 27^th, 2009 at 9:30am

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously....

1. Save the whales. - Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. Othe other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. it wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

18. Get a new car for your spouse. it'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #963 - Apr 28^th, 2009 at 10:02am

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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Three old couples were having tea one fine day.

There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!”

Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" T

his got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #964 - Apr 28^th, 2009 at 4:48pm

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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Modern day begging....

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #965 - Apr 28^th, 2009 at 10:07am

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of it's idiot.

This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope . . always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

Couldn't organise a woodpecker's banyan in Sherwood forest.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #966 - Apr 28^th, 2009 at 10:08am

Rastas000 Offline
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Hmmmm, hardwood coals....
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Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus. . . 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

He has been working with glue too long.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Was left on the Wurlitzer a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

If you give him a dime for his thoughts, you'd get change.

A furphy, is Australian slang for a rumour, or an erroneous or improbable story. You would never get anything but the plain honest dinky-di truth here... I promise!!!! Yup, hand on my heart, promise, true blue, uh-huh true dinks, dead set!!

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Reply #967 - Apr 29^th, 2009 at 7:09pm

Carolyn™ Offline
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FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD
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I'M SO GLAD I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS!

The correct way to weigh yourself:

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD.

Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway

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Reply #968 - Apr 29^th, 2009 at 8:25pm

Kez Offline
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Carolyn™ wrote on Apr 29^th, 2009 at 7:09pm:

The correct way to weigh yourself:

Hahahahahahha.... Embarrassed

thats where I've been going wrong.....I must start doing that Carolyn Grin

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Reply #969 - Apr 30^th, 2009 at 9:26am

Carolyn™ Offline
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FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD
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Here is another Lil that I am sure you will appreciate more than the "boys" Cheesy

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